pro…crast…inat…ing.

sometimes when life and i are staring eachother square in the face i get paralyzed

like a stupid deer in the headlights of a machine much bigger and far more powerful than my trembling little limbs

but those shaking legs were made to be quick

so i must move.

if i were a drawing

i did not draw this

check out www.blublu.org for more insanely good art  

messy thoughts in smeared ink

i’ve never been great at keeping journals, diaries, web logs…ehem…

something about going back to old thoughts is really, very embarrassing for me. in high school i would rip nearly every page out of my sketch journals and erased anything i ever wrote down. part of me wishes i didn’t insist on destroying all evidence of any thought i ever have but an even bigger, and much more dominating part of me wishes i were capable of creating, thinking, being something more original or at least something worth looking at twice. 

i was cleaning out an old purse earlier and found this old green suede journal i used to keep as a sort of sketch diary of the happenings of my days. i made note of good days, bad days and doodled whatever seemed fitting.

some of the pages took everything in me not to remove, other pages i couldn’t help but rip out quickly. many were full of messy thoughts in smeared ink, little of which made any sense to me reading them today. one in particular made all the sense in the world.

10.10.08 read the following:

• sometimes decisions are made and it’s like you hardly did any of the deciding.
• sometimes the next step makes sense before you even think to move your feet.
• these times are refreshing, like mountain air.

05.07.09 might read something a little more like this:

• sometimes decisions are made that look nothing like the ones you would make.
• sometimes no step seems to make much sense but you’ve got to put your foot down somewhere.
• these times suck. this air is suffocating.
• i need a more organized way to organize my thoughts.
• note to self… rip this page out and throw it away

…

…

i am that girl and i hate that girl.

little potted parables

this week i’ve been staying at my friends’ house while they’re off galavanting in vegas. i don’t have much responsibility while i’m here aside from tending to the newly planted strawberries…

 

…and by ‘tending’ to them i only mean, ’squirting some water on them periodically so as not to kill them’.

i don’t know exactly what it is, but for some reason i’ve always felt that i identify with strawberries… perhaps it’s their freckles or their bruise-easy nature. nonetheless, something about them reminds me of myself.

right now they are hardly a sprout but if treated correctly they should be plump, red and tasty in no time (this, for the record, is definitely not what i identify with in strawberries).

these little seeds didn’t ask to be planted, watered or well lit by the sun… they are simply doing what is expected of them with what they’ve been given. they didn’t prearrange the type of soil they would planted in, they don’t prearrange their positioning to the sun after being planted and they have no way of defending themselves against predator birds once they’re full grown. they simply are where they are doing what they do and hopefully, one day, they will be saturating a big piece of angel food cake. 

today’s soundtrack pick:

strawberry swing- coldplay

un-stacking my load

this post is not overdue. it’s perfectly timed on this perfect day- this semi snowy-bed headed day. everything is wonderful. somedays you just have to stop trying to see everything in it’s bigness and simply appreciate what is right here, right now. i love my sheets. 

today’s soundtrack pick:

bon iver- re: stacks

darks, lights and the last month and a half

oh wow, a new post is long overdue. it’s a very daunting task to undertake after having not posted for a month and half. i feel like  i am face-to-face with a heaping pile of more than a months worth of laundry to do. you know, you’ve got to separate the lights from the darks and figure out what your priorities are, what should be washed first and such. though i would rather shut the closet door and pretend i don’t have hours of sorting, cycles and folding ahead of me. but there is no better time to get back to my blahg than right now. besides, i really do have a ton of laundry to get to. so onward blahging! 

it’s a quiet sunday afternoon and i am sitting under my wonderfully heated electric blanket listening to the new headlights album. life is good. everyday keeps getting better and better and i am really sinking in to life at hume and very much enjoying it. i love the people and seeing ministry happening around me all the time. what a cool place to be. 

so, my last post was a bit of a downer but the holidays have come and gone and a new year is underway with resolutions and healthy habits in tow (or at least the good intention of sticking to them) i have been making an effort to eat healthier and less frequently. the candy jar in my office is my biggest enemy at this point in life and the Bible does say to “love your enemy”…i just need to love this particular enemy a little less. 

i’ve also been trying to sleep more regularly (whatever that means) but sleeping is not conducive  to late night conversations and music listening, so that new “habit” is getting the shaft too. 

i guess all this is to say i haven’t exactly started the year off with a bang but it’s gonna be a good year. i can feel it. ok, this day has almost gotten away from me so i am off.

today’s soundtrack pick:

headlights- so much for the afternoon

o come, o come

i suck at blahging. sometimes i’m too deep and sometimes i’m too shallow and sometimes i go way too long being neither that i fail to realize wordpress has change everything and now i don’t even know how to navigate this damn page. yea, i said it.

too much has happened since Forever Ago (the date of my last entry) for me to make a valiant attempt at an update and thankfully one isn’t very necessary as it doesn’t seem a ton has changed.

the holidays are here and i guess that is making me nostalgic…and consequently sort of weepy . this is not because i’m sad…it’s just cause i’m weepy. (something about cold weather and jingle bells makes me cry). 

it’s weird being at a place in life where it seems like everyone else’s lives are happening around you while you sit there alone in the cold observation room viewing it all through impenetrable glass of disconnect. i almost feel like i am constantly watching Home Alone or Love Actually. (of course I’m not complaining as these are both great films…) it just seems weird this year, like i’m not really part of the hullabaloo. peppermint usually does the trick…a few peppermint mochas in and i am ready for Christmas carols, gingerbread men and little baby Jesus figurines but it hasn’t hit yet. maybe i should put on some sufjan and read Luke 2.

half empty half full

tomorrow starts sooner than i would like

though half of me was ready for tomorrow yesterday.  the other half wants to sit safely for while yet. whatever is coming up has the potential to be exciting, new and different and on the flip side it could be dead end, lame and mundane. my attitude has options and my ability to choose from the options is greater than my pride will allow. i want to choose rightly, i want to do drink deeply.

yesterday

i’m listening to ani difranco while reading elizabeth elliot. no wonder i’m so conflicted.